Thursday, May 6, 2010

Not so perfect, perfect plan

I'm not sure when this happened, but I'm a perfectionist... now. I've always liked to plan a great party to a T, make the room appear pretty and upkept, make awesome looking treats or dinners, I like to semi choreograph a burlesque number and then improvise the rest... BUT, in the last year that need to have things look 'good' has turned into "IT MUST BE PERFECT." Now, I have a good guess as to why this is and my theory is this: I had a rough 15 months. It hurt, even cut my little heart and made me bleed a bit. I think one of my coping mechanisms is to control the things that I can actually have some control over because everything else is going crazy town. Doing something as simple as providing a gift for a wedding shower is proving to be a near impossible task. "Is this better? What does this say, cheap or creative? Is it cute? OR but there's THIS..Oh wait, I don't like that color.. I know I'll google it, find every color possible and decide against it anyway." It goes on and on and on. This bleeds over into my workout regime, or lack there of. If I don't create the 'perfect' workout for my body type, then I'll have issues entering the gym and not knowing what to do to maximize my time and who wants to waste time!?!?! I have changed the choreography on one number at least 75 times. When I cut something out of my diet that I'm 'supposed' to, I don't give it enough time to prove cutting it out was worth it. The list goes on and on and on.. point is, my perfect plans never work out. I won't know if it will work if I don't try it out first. When I travel, I say NO to plans, fly by the seat of my pants and have a grand ol' time! I'm so open in some areas and so BLOCKED in most of the others. *GRRR, HISSSSS* As always, the clear cut answer is fear. Fear, mutha-effing FEAR. I loathe fear. If I saw fear right here, right now, I would punch it in the face. Actually, I probably wouldn't. It's probably my worst nightmares manifested into a solid scary figure/shape/horned thing. I'm (apparently, THANKS subconscious) afraid of failing in some, if not most, areas of my life. The need to make everything PERFECT will, in my mind, prevent those things from falling down the shitty mcshitterson level everything else had done starting in October of 08'. It's sad how much a rough period can really stifle someone.

I must say, I want and WILL move forward. As of today, I will work on turning off that fear and be okay with a not so perfect life, accept what has happened and move onward and upward. I will choose a shower gift and be OK with it and I will understand that the perfect gift is NOT out there... Alright, that last one will be hard because I'm kind of a great gift giver. POINT IS, as of today I'm turning the tables back around on fear.

Cuz fear can suck it.

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